My name is Sirius Black rewritten 2009
by maruca
Summary: Sirius is musing about his life. disclaimer: they belong to JK Rowling. REVEWS PLEASE! I am not a native English speaker so please "play nicely" as Lucius Malfoy put it in the HP 2 film.


**EDIT: Over 3 years after writing this to apply for a RP at the time I read this story and decided to correct some spelling errors. I also didn't have the knowledge in 2006, that Andromeda and Ted were still alive during HP 5.**

**My name is Sirius Black. **

Telling the story of my life isn't easy. In fact it's really hard.

I was born a Black but never felt like one. I hated my parents' malice, their cruelty and lack of love, which I first noticed when I went to primary school where I met James Potter. Meeting James and his mother and to see them interact made me see how unkind my mother was.

Until then I didn't think my mother was heartless or showed me too little love but damn it, I thought every mother would just be as unapproachable and leave their children to the house elves, like she did.

I may not have seen my parents lack of love before that first day in primary schoo – as all other children I knew as a child - death-eaters of course – grew up quite the same way. So I didn't really "see" that she treated my like no mother should tread her child. Still I missed her as a small child, was sad she was never available and never played with me. But I grew up thinking, that this is normal. And too soon I was glad, I didn't have much to do with her.

Jamies mother made me "think" something went wrong with me and mother but what really made me "know" that I have been treated badly, was Tonks birth.

Her mother Andromeda never stepped into our house, she had married a muggle-born guy, Ted Tonks, so my mother never mentioned her (doesn't that remind of a certain Petunia Dursley?). Whenever Andomeda's existence was mentioned by someone else (in hushed tones of course), the speaker would be reminded harshly not to speak of this "disgrace of a witch".

But in my second Hogwarts year we had to go to the wizarding baptism of Nymphadora - don't laugh about the name! And don't you dare call her that, she hates her first name.

My grand mother insisted, we should be there, all the family had to be. I remember the look on Andromedas face when she held baby Nymphadora, a wrinkled, screaming baby. She held it herself, I noticed. As my uncle Alphard told me later, my mother actually held me on her arms during MY baptism too, but only because the wizard who did the wizarding baptism told her, she had to. I guess it was the only time she did so. But I know now she did it with a disgusted face, my uncle told me later. Andromeda confirmed that sadly, when I asked her in a letter.

He also told me that he was there on my baptism, as well as Andromeda. It was the only occasion, before I left home, that we've seen each other (next to Regulus baptism), and I don't remember the first time of course and only barely the second time.

The love I've seen in Andromedas eyes opened mine. I've never got a look like that one from MY mother. And then Adromeda handed her baby to Ted. My father NEVER held me. Never! And he never took my hand, soothed me whatever father do. I'll always remember the image of Ted trying to sooth his little daughter. Nymphadora calmed down and I remember him giving his wife an triumphant glance. My mother would have exploded if my father had done that. He was always a bit subdued and my mother never let him have the last word. But Andromeda just grinned at Ted and KISSED him.

I remember my grand-mother chided Andromeda to be "too intimate - embarrassing in front of the family." but Andromeda just said: "I will not let you spoil my day Mother. I love my family. They are more a family to me, than all of you have been to me. Poor children who have to grow up like this." The later generation of parents – my generation - wasn't more tender, but they added "spoiling rotten" to their repertoire.

Those lines Andromeda said that day marked me.

Today I'm asking myself if Regulus felt the same, when he noticed the way Tonks parents showed their love. I was twelve, already in Hogwarts and from that day on I kept in touch with Andromeda.

The friendship with James, Remus and Peter and my time at Hogwarts did the rest: when my third year arrived I was on bad terms with my parents who treated me with Cruciatus and Regulus, who played the "take-an-example-Sirius"-son made everything worse. I was happy to leave on every September 1th.

I hated my parents, I hated the people who should have been my friends in Hogwarts (Snape, Nott and the hole gang) but it was still a surprise, when I was sorted into Gryffindor. The reaction that fallowed from my parents and grand-parents made me stay at Hogwarts for the Christmas break.

In our year was a certain Peter Pettigrew. James and me saved him from Snapes grasp during the first week at Hogwarts and he was thankful to no end. I found it a bit exhausting at times and told him off on many occasions, that's why he probably made James his hero. James was too nice to tell him off. I was nicer than all of my relatives (except the Tonks family and uncle Alphard) together but I wasn't a patient person and I can't stand people being to subdued all the time. And yeah I was quite arrogant till I moved in at James' place. I just need someone who shoots right back, not one who stares at me like I was magic. Well, actually I am magic, but you know what I mean…

That's probably why I liked Remus Lupin from day one. He was a small first year, looking tired and ill all the time but he is the most intelligent guy I ever met and his more enduring and has more strength than you could tell from his looks.

The first evening in school we were in the dormitory, James and I were already planning pranksters on Bellatrix and Snape and… well my planning was a bit rushed and had loads of strategic gaps.

At the end of the my explanations to James, concerning the details of my plan -I was jumping up and down and getting louder with every sentence, as I was thrilled with my idea - Mr. Unknown said in a rather hoarse, used voice (which I found incredibly sexy two years later): "That's never gonna work." I - being an arrogant Black (the only trait I didn't loose too easily) but being very amused at the same time about the interjection - shoot back: "Oh yeah? And why is that?" For the first time that evening he looked deeply into my eyes and said dryly: "You want to whole list?"

Since then Remus was number four of our gang and that didn't change when we found out, he was werewolf. We became Animagi for him and tried to ease the full moon for him. I liked him very much even though we seemed to be like day and night, I being loud, with an unstable temper and the typical Black arrogance (which I fought quite a bit but I didn't loose it completely until I lived with the Potters) and even a bit cruel when it came to Snape. As a student I was intelligent but not very studious. I did well in school, because I was intelligent, but I could have done extraordinarily, if I had done more between classes. Remus on the other hand was quiet, composed, logically thinking but in need of a self-confidence-booster, but quite mischievous. James and me and before all Peter were caught quite regularly but Remus got away most of the time. But we never said: "Why only detention for us, Remus was involved too." The caught ones did detention but always denied the others being involved, if possible. And it was good Remus was caught so little: after all we needed someone to copy our homework or steal something from the dinner table, when we had detention. He complied, with a sigh and and a little smile.

Still: James was my "oldest" and there for best friend. And Lily got in the picture at the wrong time. He had fancied her from the second year on, but she wasn't interested and called him a "prat" and a "cruel idiot" when she saw him play pranksters on Snape.

I remember the time after the Snape-accident in the Whomping willow which made me quite lonely and filled me with shame and disgust for myself. But it was after that, when Lily decided to like Potter! James had cooled down a little and made less pranksters, which made me angry at first. I was in my rebellious phase and why wasn't James with me? Why becoming a softie because of a girl? I felt quite miserable at the time and today I have to smile. Didn't I cool down when I lived with Remus afterwards?

But back to the time, when Lily fell for James: Remus and James were back on speaking terms with me, but the bond wasn't too strong yet. And then uncle Alphard died just as James and Lily fell for each other. James knew, what Alpahrd had meant to me. As he was not allowed to see me, we had exchanged many letters - just as I and Harry did later. James was understanding and nice, but he never lost anyone and he was in love with Lily, so there for he was out most of the time. I didn't want to spoil that for him, I know how long he acted like an idiot because she wouldn't like him and was glad that was over. But I NEEEDED him then. Lily didn't really like me before that, but she was confronted in the common room with my jealousy, me nagging that he spent too much time with her – when the truth was, that he tried to balance the time with Lily and the time with us Marauders and felt guilty anyway. She walked into the common room as I whining that I wanted James to myself, whicht made him feel even guiltier and made Remus say "Sirius, please", in a low voice. That was too much for Lily, and so she – the "straight-to-the-point"-woman she was - screamed at me: "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?" and I started sobbing and telling her all the things on my mind about Alphard and my family, and so we became friends. I then apopliogized and admitted I didn't really mind Lily and James being togther and that I just feld kinda lost.

Remus had lost his only sibling early on and he was soothing me all the time. That's how we got close and I realised how much I liked him.

The summer between fifth and sixth year I was told by a lawyer, that Alpard had opened me a Gringott vault with all his posessions - money as well as personal items (books, diaries, our letters) and that he had stated in his will that 20% of the money hat to go to Andromeda and her family (meaning Ted and Dora) and the rest to me. The 20% were already given to the Tonks family, which I most agreed on and it was stated in the will that I couldn't touch the vault for its money before my 17th birthday. I went to Gringotts and got the personal items which were with me all the years until Azkaban.

My parents were interested in the money and wanted to use it "in my interest"; but I knew exactly what that meant and started a rebellion. I told them they meant nothing to me, that I would never share anything with them to support the death-eaters or their ideas and that I would never give up my close friends and even less close friends who weren't pureblood. And I would never become part of the death-eaters myself.

At the end of the day I had to flee. My father an mother tried Cruciatus on me, but I could run upstairs to room, lock the door get my stuff together (luckily I hadn't unpacked my trunk, it was on the second day of break this happened), stuff my personal items and Alphards' stuff in it and flee throught the window. I minimized my stuff, wrote a note to James and sent my owl away, mounted my broom and flew over to the Potters (I wasn't full of age yet, so I couldn't apparate).

The Potters took me in, lent me the money for all my school supplies, as my Black-vault was immediately unavailable to me. On my 17th birthday I gave them quite a sum of the money Alphard had left me, which they redused to accept until I got very loud. But their love was priceless, they were much more parents to me, than mine. Unfortunetly they died during my time in Azkaban and Harry once told me he didn't remember them. How sad, they were wonderful people and loved Harry so much. They soothed me, gave me a place to stay and from then on I spent every Sunday at their place to have lunch, together with Remus.

That summer turned my life upside down as the first open attacks by the death-eaters were started. The Cruciatus curse was already known and there was a small Aurors office, which had to be enlarged quite a bit.

The rest of our 2 years in Hogwarts were clouded by several attacks on muggleborn and a few relatives of Slytherins who weren't willing to join their ranks were victims too.

Tonks and Andromeda hat to flee to France a certain time but they returned, before Nymphadora, who was a Metamorphmagus already, was eleven.

The fight and our dedication for the Order, to do everything to stop the death-eaters consumed our strength. We didn't apply for jobs as we were full time working for Dumbledores' "Order of the Phoenix" and Remus because he couldn't get a job because of his being a werewolf. I wanted to become an Auror to bring death-eaters to Azkaban and save the world from them, how tragically ironical I ended up in there.

The few lights in my life then were the marriage of James and Lily and birth of baby Harry. And Moony of course too! Baby Harry was my god-child and Remus and I, who lived together (I wouldn't let that wonderful man starve, even though he hated being dependent on me) loved him to bits. But times were dark and we decided to use the Fidelius charm on them. We weren't sure about our feelings for each other. We spent many Sunday at the Potters', Peter couldn't be there, he had to be home and soon we would be up to things just the four of us or with baby Harry. In the beginning we asked Peter but with time he refused. He had a girlfriend and I thought that was the reason, and I never thought our falling apart would end Peters' joining of the death-eaters.

The rest of the story is known. We made the wrong choice. I accused Moony, And we didn't tell Dumbledore about the switch. The following 12 years... I don't like to think about them. They destroyed me and when I finally escaped the world had moved on. The only thing that makes me happy is, that the two people I love the most know about me: Harry and Remus. As Remus told me, Anromeda and Ted were always unsure of my guilt.. Nymphadora, all grown up now, an auror and Order member said when we first met, that she was sure, Andromeda never really believed it. I am sad I never got to see Andromea and Ted again.

My stupid brother became a death eater and died when he tried to get out of their ranks. I wished I knew, what made him turn his back on them. I had 2 years back to live but I was dying a second death in the old Grimauld place which I haven't set foot into since I had left between fifth and sixth year. and Snape the bloody bastard taunted me. I was always weak when I was taunted and couldn't shrug my shoulders like Remus , who would do that even if he was hurt.

And now I'm here. Beyond the veil. I told you my story. Now: am I going to live or die? I'd love to live but I rather die, if I can't live without Remus or Harry.

**Please review, if you liked it. I would then add a second chapter from Remus' perspective.**


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